Divorce can have a profound effect on children. Since children so often internalize feelings, parents need to be tuned in to their children and watch for signs of negative reactions. With proper attention and appropriate reaction on the parts of both parents, these negative reactions can be kept at a minimum and the kids can flourish in what can seem to be a no-win situation.
There are multiple stressors involved in divorce, especially where the children are involved. A couple that is planning on divorcing needs to plan ahead of time and take these stressors into consideration. The kids need to know that they are safe and loved.
Things parents need to be aware of are:
Often children (especially younger kids) believe that the end of their parents’ marriage is somehow their fault. They think that if they had simply behaved better, or done something differently their parents would still be together.
Long term effects can differ with age differences in children. Toddlers and infants are going to react differently than adolescents. Older kids may exhibit more anger. There can be fantasies of reconciliation in ages 6-8.
Children can often feel powerless over the situation or feel rejection by the absent parent.
Girls tend to become more anxious and withdrawn, while boys often show more aggressive or disobedient behavior.
Some of the fears of kids include: change of home or school, decreased contact with one parent (often the father), decreased standard of living, and more responsibility.
Red flags for parents to look out for include the following circumstances (if lasting more than a few months):
Sleep problems
Trouble at school
Self injury or eating disorders
Poor concentration
Withdrawal from loved ones or refusal to participate in loved activities
Angry or violent outbursts happening more frequently
Drug or alcohol use
There are ways to help your children through the process, but it takes both parents cooperating and keeping their best interests in mind.
Maintain normalcy as much as possible. Stick to routines and rules. Be consistent.
Hold a discussion with your children and read books about divorce with them (be sure to make it age appropriate). Be honest while leaving out the “dirty” details.
Reassure your child that the divorce is not his/her fault and has nothing to do with your love for him/her.
Never, ever argue with your spouse or bad mouth your spouse within earshot of the children. Keep all contact as positive as you can for the kids’ sake.
Never, ever use your child as a messenger between the two of you. That’s not fair and tests the loyalty of the child.
Listen to and validate the feelings of your children. Encourage them to be open and honest about how they feel. Holding it all in because of a fear of “hurting” you will only cause much longer, much larger problems for your child.
Above all, don’t be petty, think of your children, and do what is best for them in a less than optimal situation.
